"Did you wash your hands?" -Feelz

"No. Believe me, "it" hasn't been anywhere interesting enough to warrant washing my hands." -Ulyaoth

"You black flavored demon mothafucking nigga, get a job!" -Ulyaoth

Ulyaoth is a lonely man of the age of 24. He is a known virgin and lives with his mother while having a job. Apparently, he can beatbox like a failed musician, and is afraid of women. He likes to pull out his vein cane and compare with the other kids at his son's high school.

In New OT

He is a strong believer of incest and compares himself to Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. This annoys OTers because he constantly brings it up thinks he's being funny when he's not. For all new comers to New OT he tells of the tale of GAW (scroll down). When Jetbounty makes a website (such as EG or Jabber) Uly signs up.

Aside from being a preacher of incest, Uly has a 12 year old half-sister that is living in a hut in southern Kenya. Uly claims to have no sexual attraction to her, but we all know this is a lie. On New OT, his title is Lonely Bastard.

If you're female and he sees you alone, he will rape you. Just look at his picture.

Uly claims that in 2013 he will keep track of his masturbation count. This is false however. As he made the same statement in '11 and '12. Uly became Burkman's successor as Scott's bitch right hand admin. After a shocking election that gave Uly a landslide.

Girl at Work

Girl at Work, more commonly known as GAW to OTers, was the target of one Ulyaoth's undying affection and love. Or at least that's what he would tell you. As the name sounds GAW was a coworker of Uly's at Kohl's. He would constantly ask for advice on how to ask her out. Eventually he worked up the nerve to ask her out to grab some coffee, an OT inspired idea. With luck the girl said MAYBE! Uly's eager anticipation was his downfall. After several attemps to hold a monologue with GAW over FB he noticed her relationship status! It was not single! And thus entered Uly's first great foe... the coffee shop guy.

How could this be happening, he wondered? Asking for coffee with the woman of his dreams and the COFFEE GUY BECOMES HIS ENEMY! With luck tho, GAW broke it off and for a moment.. Uly thought she had come to her senses. But alas.. Uly's greatest nemesis of all time came into play... CAPTAIN AUSTRAILIA! GAW wouldn't stop talking about him! What was Uly to do!? In a heroic and desperate attempt he asked her out once more! Only to be swatted down by the pillars of fate. GAW had turned to the darkside!

In his awkwardness the Uly retreated to the dark and glum of his cave... muttering... "my precious." Ages past... and GAW all but fell from the pages of history. Lost.. forgotten. Until one little fast food industry happened accross the fate of two people. Jackin... Jackin Thebox. The most unlikely of places united GAW and the Uly for one brief moment. Hope restored... Uly consulted one of his oldest of friends... FaceBook. Betrayal is a wicked and vile thing amongst the best of friends... and FB was no different. GAW had indeed fallen deep to the darkside... using FB to set Uly up. The love of his life... and best friend... betraying him.

Beaten and betrayed the Uly retreated... the galaxy was no longer a place for his kind. Some say it was out of obsession... some say lust... but perhaps... it was out of love. As from the shadows Uly watched in wait... still an invisible shield of GAW... protecting her in silence. Then one day she disappeared. But the Uly knew better... it was not over for him.

  • exit Uly pulling hood over head walking out of Kohl's*

~ A tale by Scott...

Masturbation Count

2008 Masturbations - 418 = (Average: 1.15 per day)

2009 Masturbations - 453 = (Average: 1.24 per day)

2010 Masturbations - 521 = (Average: 1.43 per day)

2011 Masturbations - Didn't keep count this year. Terrible mistake.

2012 Masturbations - 235+ lost count.... stupid fuckface (loljk)

Fun Facts

- Uly does not have level balls... the pictures in his house are all uneven.


Uly: You ever see a pubic hair so long that you're like "whoa.. that must've been my first one, how'd it get so long?"

Uly: oh... right...

Scott: I'm not even thinking about this...


Ulyaoth has a prosthetic leg from a shark accident in Miami, Florida.

Ulyaoth is a racist white man from california.

Ulyaoth owns a chipmunk named "Alvin"

Ulyaoth is a huge fan of Kevin Bacon

No seriously, he loves Kevin Bacon

Ulyaoth was named Time's "Lonliest Man of 2012"

Ulyaoth won his High School's Masturbatathon

Ulyaoth is a leading member in he Incest Rights movement.